Feeling heard by your therapist matters, and it still may not be all you need
Of course you might want something more from counselling than having someone listen to you.
Being listened to matters. Having space to say things out loud, hear yourself think, or talk about something you haven’t been able to say anywhere else can be an important part of counselling. And it still may not be all you need from your therapist.
You might also want help thinking something through. You may want your therapist to notice something you haven’t noticed, ask you to pause and look at something differently, offer relevant information, help untangle a complicated decision, or suggest where to begin.
There should be a meaningful difference between talking with a therapist and talking with a supportive friend over coffee. A therapist should bring their training, experience, attention, and knowledge of the work you’ve already done together into the conversation.
How much direction feels helpful may change over time. Some days you may know exactly what you want to talk about. Other days you may want help figuring out where to begin. Part of us working together is finding that blend rather than assuming there’s one correct way counselling is supposed to look.
Listening is part of my job as a therapist, but so is bringing something to the conversation
I might ask you to pause because I’ve noticed something, remind you of something you said a few sessions ago, offer another way of looking at what’s happening, or give you some information that seems relevant. Sometimes I might say, “I think there’s a connection here. Can I tell you what I’m noticing?”
And you can tell me I’ve got it wrong.
That’s helpful. If an idea doesn’t fit, I’ve learned something and we can adjust. The same is true if I suggest a strategy or exercise that doesn’t work for you. It might not be the right tool, or it might be a good tool at the wrong time.
As we work together, I also have more context to work with. I remember what we’ve talked about, what you’ve tried, what matters to you, and some of the patterns we’ve noticed together. You don’t have to arrive at every session knowing exactly where to start or carrying the whole thread of the counselling yourself.
Being an active therapist doesn’t mean filling every silence or constantly trying to solve something. Sometimes we need to stay with what’s happening before either of us knows what comes next. But I’m there to do some of the thinking with you.
You choose the destination, and I can help with the route
One way I sometimes describe counselling is that it’s like we’re in a car together. You’re driving, and I’m in the passenger seat.
You know where you’re trying to go, what it feels like to be in your life, and what you’ll have to live with after the session. I can help you navigate, notice things you may not be seeing, ask questions, and sometimes suggest that we slow down or look more closely at something.
There may be times when what’s happening right now makes it hard to see through the windshield. We may need to focus on what’s directly in front of you. At other times, it can be useful to look in the rearview mirror at what’s happened before, or farther down the road toward where you want your life to be going.
Sometimes you may come in with no idea what you want to talk about. That’s okay too.
If we’ve worked together for a while, I have a roadmap from what we’ve already discussed. I can look back at what’s been coming up, what we’ve been working on, and what seemed unfinished, and suggest somewhere to start.
You don’t have to arrive with the route planned out. I can offer directions, point something out, or suggest another route. You’re still the person driving.
Sometimes you need to make sense of things, and sometimes you need a plan
Counselling can be a place to slow down, make sense of what you’re feeling, or understand why the same pattern keeps showing up. It can also be a place to sort through your options, prepare for a difficult conversation, make a decision, or figure out one practical next step.
Often, you need both.
You might understand why something is happening and still have no idea what to do about it. Or you might come in wanting a clear plan and realize there’s something underneath the decision that needs attention first.
I don’t think practical work is less meaningful than emotional work. Counselling doesn’t only become “deep” when we talk about the past. Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is organize what’s happening now, clarify what matters, or make a difficult situation more workable.
We can also change direction as we go. You might come in expecting to make a plan and realize you need space to talk about what happened. Or you might begin by talking about how you feel and decide that what would help most is leaving with one concrete next step.
You don’t have to know what kind of help you need
Sometimes you’ll know exactly what you want from me. You might want feedback, help making a decision, more information, or a practical next step.
Other times, all you may know is that you’re stuck.
You don’t have to figure out what kind of counselling you need before you come to counselling. Saying, “I don’t know what kind of help I need,” is useful information. It’s already an ask for help.
We can start with what’s happening, what feels hardest, and what you’ve already tried. I may ask questions, offer an observation, suggest an exercise, or help organize the different pieces. We can see what gives us something useful to work with.
The balance may change from one session to another, and it may take us some time to learn what works well for you. You don’t have to know exactly how counselling should work or manage the whole process by yourself.
Figuring that out together is part of the work.
