If I describe my counselling as neurodiversity-affirming, I think it’s fair to ask what that means once we’re actually sitting in the room together. Some of it is about how I understand and speak about autism, ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence. But I don’t think using the right language is enough on its own. It also matters how we work.
You might need some time to answer a question. You might think better if we write things down. You might prefer a fairly direct question instead of a very open-ended one. Sometimes we circle back to something we were talking about earlier, or go off on what looks like a tangent and discover that it actually connects. That can all be part of how we work together.
I’m less interested in finding one right way to do neurodiversity-affirming counselling than I am in learning how counselling works well for you.
There isn’t one right way to be in counselling
People can carry a surprising number of ideas about what they’re supposed to do in therapy: make eye contact, answer the question right away, stay on topic, remember what we talked about last week, know how you feel, explain things in order. But there isn't a set of rules for how you're supposed to do therapy with me.
If you lose the word you’re looking for, we can wait, find another one, or keep going. If you don’t remember where we left off last time, I probably do. If I ask something and you have no idea what I mean, tell me. I can try asking it another way. You don’t need to use part of your counselling energy trying to look like you know how to do counselling properly.
Sometimes we also need a different way of organizing what we’re talking about. I use mind maps quite a bit. I like them because everything doesn’t have to happen in a straight line. We can put several things on the page, see where they connect, circle something we want to come back to, and add another piece when it occurs to us.
Some clients really like that. Some clients absolutely do not, in which case we find something else to use. The mind map itself isn’t what makes the counselling affirming. What matters is that if the way I’m asking you to do something isn’t useful, we can change the way we’re doing it.
I want to understand what something is doing before we decide it’s a problem
People sometimes come into counselling already having been told that something about the way they function needs to change. Maybe you depend on routines. Maybe you rehearse conversations before having them. Maybe a particular environment takes a lot out of you. Maybe you need quite a bit of recovery time after being around people. And you've been told in one way or another that that needs to change.
I’m usually curious about what’s happening there before we decide what, if anything, needs to change. What does the routine help with? What happens if you don’t rehearse? What is it about that environment that takes so much energy?
And there can be more than one answer. Something can help you and cost you at the same time. A strategy that made life much more manageable for years may stop working as well when your circumstances change. We can look at both. Understanding why something is there doesn’t mean we have to keep doing it forever. It just gives us more information before we decide what might be helpful.
Neurodivergence can matter without having to explain everything
Sometimes neurodivergence will be very relevant to what we’re talking about. It may help us understand something about communication, sensory experiences, relationships, work, planning, energy, burnout, or how you experience yourself. Other times, it’s one part of a much bigger picture.
And sometimes your workplace really is a mess. Your relationship really is difficult. Someone you care about really is sick. We don’t need to find an autism or ADHD explanation for every difficult thing that happens in your life. At the same time, I don’t want to overlook neurodivergence when it does matter. Part of the work is being able to hold both.
You don’t need to know exactly what you need from me
Some people come into counselling knowing quite a bit about what helps them. You might tell me, “I need you to be direct.” Or, “Give me a minute. I’m still thinking.” Or, “Can we write that down? I’m not going to remember it.” I appreciate those directions. They give me useful information about working with you.
But you don’t have to arrive with a list. Sometimes all you know is that something about counselling feels harder than it needs to be. We can pay attention to that. Maybe we notice that when I ask a really broad question, you spend most of your time trying to work out what I’m asking for. Maybe you understand what we talked about in the session but have trouble retrieving it afterwards. Maybe you normally like a certain way of working and then, when you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, it suddenly stops helping.
We can adjust as we go. I don’t need you to have already figured out the solution before you tell me there’s a problem.
Sometimes the work will still be uncomfortable
There will probably still be times when counselling is difficult. I may invite you to look more closely at a pattern. I might tell you I’m noticing a connection and ask what you make of it. We may try something unfamiliar, or talk about whether a choice is taking you toward or away from something that matters to you. And sometimes I may ask you whether it would be useful to stay with something uncomfortable for a little longer.
But if something feels difficult, we can also be curious about why. Is this difficult because we’re talking about something painful? Is it uncomfortable because you’re trying something new? Or are you spending so much effort trying to follow the way I’m doing counselling that there isn’t much left for the counselling itself? Those aren’t the same problem.
We may not know the answer immediately. We can work it out.
I should know more about how to work with you as we go
Knowing that someone is autistic, has ADHD, or is neurodivergent in another way doesn’t tell me exactly what will work for them. I bring training, experience, ideas, questions, and things we can try. You bring your experience of actually living your life. Then we learn some things together.
I learn that you need a moment before I ask the next question. Or that you like me to interrupt when I notice a connection because otherwise we may never get back to it. Or that writing things down helps. Or that a strategy I thought might be useful is, in fact, not useful at all. That’s helpful information for me to have.
Over time, I should know more about how you think things through, what helps you communicate, what makes counselling easier to use, and where I may need to do something differently. Sometimes that will mean changing counselling quite a bit. Sometimes counselling will look exactly like what you might expect: we sit together and talk.
I don’t think you need to become better at fitting yourself into counselling. Part of my job is paying attention to how we’re working together and being willing to adjust when something isn’t working. To me, that’s an important part of what neurodiversity-affirming counselling looks like in practice.
This blog shares general information and is not counselling or psychotherapy.
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